Two Things

The first thing I'd like to show you is something I've been meaning to post, but have never gotten around to. A lot of the stuff I post is actually pretty old, and I just kept it in reserve in case I run out of things to talk about. This being one of my "slow" periods, I thought I'd show it to you.

I don't think she understood my joke...

And, secondly:

Ooh, yeah, an angry husband coming home from the bar with a
baseball bat in hand! That's my idea of a great relationship!

Did I say two things? Well, I meant three:

People are absolutely brilliant. Especially on Youtube.

Oh, and

Stupid Stuff, Part I of III

Hey look, it's the personification of fallaciously justified vanity.




Oh, and

Stupid Spam

Sometimes I like to read through my spam folder just to think about how stupid people are. Sometimes I even reply. Check out this document I created all about my spam and the humorous replies I made to them.

Stupid Spam

1. Lottery

Ref No: BCL/1001A/2012

Batch No: 0417/CA1/2012.

        BRITISH CANADIAN WEEKLY DRAW.

The Canadian Government in collaboration with the British Government and the World Gaming Board are the sponsors of this on-line e-mail lottery program for compensation and grant for both past lottery winners and the entire world public for purpose of Infrastructural development as an

on-line compensation for all Internet users.

We happily announce to you the Special Global Promotional Draw held on Sat 02/11/2012, in Manchester in the United Kingdom and Ontario Canada. Your e-mail address attached to REF No; BCL/1001A/2012, with Batch No: 0417/CA1/2012 drew the Winning No: 07 12 15 23 30 33 with Bonus No: 09 for BC-49 ballot Draw under the choice of the lottery in the 1st category of bi-weekly six.

All participants were selected randomly from World Wide Website through computer draws system and extracted from over 10,000,000 companies and personal e-mail. So your e-mail is your on-line automatic ticket that qualified you for this draw. You have therefore been approved to claim a

total sum of 1,263,584.00 GBP (One Million Two Hundred and Sixty three Thousand, Five Hundred and Eighty four Pounds Sterling). In view of this, your 1,263,584.00 GBP (One Million Two Hundred and Sixty three Thousand,Five Hundred and Eighty four Pounds Sterling) would be released

to you by following the directives of the Royal Bank Of Scotland. Our London-UK Bank will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact their office. So you are required to forward the following details to our trusted Bank to help

facilitate the processing of your claims. You are to contact the Royal Bank Of Scotland for payment with details below.

Contact Person: Mr.George Williams.

Bank Name: Royal Bank Of Scotland

Email: fundsremittancedept_rbs@9.cn

Tel: +44-701-113-9353

FILL PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM:

1. Full Names:

2. Address:

3. Marital Status:

4. Occupation:

5. Age:

6. Gender:

7. Nationality:

8. Telephone Number:

Remember, you must contact the (Royal Bank Of Scotland), to claim your prize, send your reference and batch number and payment processing form to their email address (fundsremittancedept_rbs@9.cn) and call the office to

inform them that you have contacted them through email.

*Winners are advised to keep their winning details/information from the public to avoid fraudulent claim pending the prize been claimed by Winner.

Note: You are to send your reply to the Royal Bank Of Scotland immediately for the processing of your winning prize.

Congratulations!!!

Dr.Joe Mason.

Promotions Co-ordinator.

BC-49 Lottery.

2012

REPLY:

1. Sir Glark Of Islington.

2. 112358 Triangle Crescent

3. I married my dog.

4. I get paid $120,000 per year to sit here reading my email all day long.

5. 91

6. Other

7. Egypt

8. 911

I think if you want to send people a scam, you should try to make it a little less obvious. For example, here is my checklist for identifying if something is genuine:

a) The facts are correct

b) There are no grammatical errors

c) It looks crappy

First, a:

Apparently, I've already won. I know this isn't possible, because in Canada's Lottery License Terms And Conditions, 1.2 c. v., it states:

"...ensuring that these Terms And Conditions

of the License, the applicable Terms

prescribed by the Registrar, the Standards

and Directives prescribed by the Registrar

and any additional terms and conditions

imposed by the Licensing Authority are

complied with..."

Well, you can't carry any of those out, since neither of us  have imposed our terms and conditions, and therefore your "lottery" is null. Second:

There are many grammatical errors. Namely:

One Million Two Hundred and Sixty three Thousand, Five Hundred and Eighty four Pounds Sterling (Here, "four" ought to be capitalized.)

Contact Person: Mr.George Williams. (Wow. so many things wrong with this. (First of all, not a grammatical error, but I think "Contact Person" ought to be "Representative" or "Public Relations" or something. And secondly, I know this is kind of hard to grasp, but you can do it, yes you can! There should be a SPACE between "Mr." and "George". SPACE, understand? It's the button on your keyboard that's really big.)

And this isn't the only time you do that. You do it again here: "Dr.Joe Mason." Come now, just take english in night school or something. It's not that hard.

And finally, it doesn't look crappy. Any internet user knows that all government-run websites look like crap. I mean, awful fonts, terrible colour choice. If you were really dedicated to this, you might as well make the font this colour or something.

In conclusion: You aren't fooling anyone with this, so just sit back and enjoy your lack of money and the fake information which I so gladly provided you.

2. Dr.Vincent Cheng Hoi Chuen

I am Mr. Vincent Cheng Hoi Chuen, GBS, JP Chairman of the Hong Kong and

Shanghai Banking Corporation Limited.i have a business proposal of Twenty

Two million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only for you to

transact with me from my bank to your country.

All confirm-able documents to back up the claims will be made available to

you prior to your acceptance and as soon as I receive your return mail Via

my email address: mr.vincentcheng73@yahoo.com.hk and I will let you know

what is required of you.Your earliest response to this letter will be

appreciated.

Best Regards,

Mr.Vincent Cheng

REPLY:

Hey, Vincent!

That's a pretty professional sounding name you've picked out! Because you know, all people from japan all technologically savvy! But wait, Hong Kong in China! Darn, we've missed the crucial fact. Oh well, I can just ignore that. But, to business. Unless it's my mere existence you're asking for, I don't think any of my services could compensate for that huge amount of money from your bank. Who are you getting it from again? Anyway, it seems a little suspicious that you couldn't just show me those "comfirm-able documents" right now. And furthermore, it also seems a little mysterious that you said "from my bank to your country (which I dare not name?)". But for me, the tip-off is that your email is at Yahoo.com.hk, and not, you know, HSBC.COM? As the "Chairman", you ought to at least be faithful to your company's domain.

3. Alter Egos

Annette (jory@northstate.net)

I've included the contact info because this is a crucial part of this.

Aloha, my friend

There is no remedy for love but to love more. My dear sweetheart, it is the middle of the day and I was thinking about you, as usual dreaming to find you one day. I want you to know that I will sincerely love the countless hours we spent together talking and holding hands. It means a lot to me. Mutual understanding, respect and love would be the main things that describe our relationship http://search-foraman.net.ua/ There would be looking back, no second thoughts and no regrets.

Our love will only grow stronger day after day. Sometimes life hits you

with unexpected things that take you totally by surprise. And I believe

you will be my best surprise and my capacity for love, caring and

understanding will never ceased to amaze you.

Bye for now

suzanne

REPLY:

Hi, person! You seem really nice, but I'm not exactly sure who you are. At the top it says that you're Annette. Hey, Annette.

But then you use the greeting "Aloha", which would indicate that you're Hawaiian. So, blah blah blah romance romance romance romance A URL! AWESOME!

I visited this url, and it looks a little like a russian dating site! But I thought you were Hawaiian! Odd…

But then you finish with "Bye for now. suzanne".

WHAT?! I can't even comprehend the stupidity of that remark! You can't get your nationality straight, but now your NAME is inconsistent!

SPAM

That's all. I'll post about it if I get any replies!

?

Yes, this post needs a question mark.

Wow.

Not to insult creationists or anything, but really, it's kind of hard to take you seriously when this is the kind of crap you're trying to argue with.

Merry Boxing Day

Here's an insanely stupid webpage. I'm currently planning a practical joke on the person who created it, or rather their contact info.

http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sponsor

"I see what you're trying to do, but I think if you want to make up for the meat someone doesn't eat, one should eat twice as much one would normally, provided one consumes an average amount of meat. In addition, I think that if you spend all this time complaining about vegetarianism, these people who are good enough friends with you to agree to be taken out to dinner, won't be your friends much longer. However, based on the rest of your webpage, I think that losing friends is your primary goal as a human being."

With any luck, my message will get on the hate mail page.

EDIT: On second thought, maybe not.
EDIT THE SECOND: Why would I even want to do that? I mean, it'll just make me look dumb, which I'm not, and I think he gets enough hate mail as it is.

Blah

Don't feel like explaining this one. Just go here and sign their petition of whatever:
http://demandprogress.org/

What the heck?!

So I've been looking through a lot of my traffic sources lately. The top one is this:
http://www.massprofitsites.com/?hop=diamondium
And I've had another top one that is like that, but it's called "mobile money machines" and uses a "backdoor" of the internet to get you money. I'm pretty sure these things are just a stupid scam, but why SO MANY WEBSITES?! And how did people get redirected here anyway? RRRGH! I hate when I can't figure stuff out.

Anyway, another thing I wanted to talk to talk about is that THE COVER FOR THE BEETHOVENIST BIBLE MIGHT BE DIFFERENT THAN I POSTED! OH MY HOVENBEET! Anyway, so yeah, it's probably just going to say "MIG", or be like the one now, but have something completely irrelevant in the background. So, yes, that's all for today. The Beethovenist Bible is still in progress, and might be coming out sooner, but probably later.
MIG

Dear Cyclists, I Don't Like You Anymore

Today I went for a bike ride in central park with some people with whom I am affiliated. It's pretty nice; a nice big place, and seeing buildings in the background makes it both ironic and serene. But you know those hardcore cyclists, who are always wearing jerseys and these fancy bikes even though all they really do is ride around in parks? Well, these people demonstrated to me today that they are near-sighted jerks. First, a person I know known as Person A tried to ride across the road. Just then, this moronic cyclist who obviously saw Person A didn't stop, or, like, go around them, they decided to yell, "watch it watch it watch it WATCH IT", obviously expecting Person A to reverse time or something. At the last moment I guess they remembered they can turn, so they did, but as they continued on, they decided to shout, "HOLY SHIT!", for whatever reason. I mean, how can you possibly be so dumb?! I mean, there were young kids there, literally toddlers, and parents can thank him if they start saying "shit" around the house. And I might be able to forgive these people if it had been just the one. But it wasn't. Shortly afterwards, a completely different cyclist got cut off by a small child with whom I am also affiliated. When this happened, he proceeded to yell at the child (Person B), even though they were obviously close to tears, had a poor bike and was clearly inexperienced and uncomfortable. I mean, sure, it was a stupid move on Person B's part, but how can he possibly think he's so important that he can just make whatever little girl cry that he wants? This has demonstrated to me that cyclists are usually these ignorant jerks who think that just because they have a fancy shirt and an ostentatious bike, they can just do whatever they want. And these instances aren't the sole foundation of my opinion; it's more like the last straw. I can't count the number of times I've been in a car, going 20 km/h in an 80 zone because there were cyclists cutting the car off even though it's obviously there, it's perfectly easy to go single file and it's a no-passing zone. They just don't care. And that is why I am announcing, CYCLISTS, I DON'T LIKE YOU! I'm sure that not every showoff-y cyclist has the aura of a stereotypical ignorant American, I still hold that they're mostly total jerks.

Wow, I'm probably going to end up insulting a lot of people with this post...